King of Kings Seafood Restaurant

True fact, if you lived in Brisbane in the 90's and your parents were keen on ethnic food, you have been to King of Kings at one stage. Its that yum cha restaurant that is upstairs in the Valley, ringing any bells? My family used to go here at least once a month with all my cousins and their families, we would always have a parents table and a kids table. I remember having our families fight and throw money at each other to pay the resulting bill.

I will cut you if you don't let me pay

The last time I went here was about 2007-2008, we went around New Years and I basically gorged myself on prawn dumplings. I then came down the worst food poisoning I have ever had, I would not wish this on my enemies, not my worst enemies, just my regular ones. I literally sat on the toilet for four days, alternatively vomiting or shitting through the eye of a needle. I set myself a personal new record for amount of weight rapidly lost during a period of sickness, from memory I lost eight kilos or so.

So you can understand why when my Boyfriend said he wanted yum cha at that place in the Valley that was upstairs, that wasn't China House, I was a bit dubious. I told him my story about King of Kings and he insisted it wasn't King of Kings. He said the last time he had gone, he was about ten and they had parked in the Chinatown paid parking and had wandered over an adjoining bridge to get inside the restaurant.

We had to go up and down the urine reeking, cramped staircase quite a few times before he figured out where he'd possibly crossed. The bridge was closed down for renovations of course, I suggested somewhere else but he was adamant. He called his parents and they confirmed it was King of Kings. So off we went.

Same old red, red, red decor

We went in the afternoon and so none of the trolleys were circulating, we were handed menus and pondered our decisions.

Pretty standard stuff

Yep

My Boyfriend had a hankering for steamed kai lan and oyster sauce so that was our first order. Bright green, slightly oily and quite plain with just a drizzle of unadulterated oyster sauce drizzled over the top. It was unimpressive but edible.

So bright

We ordered a round of chicken feet in black bean sauce as per usual and we found them underwhelming. They were just very average, not big, not small, not salty, not plain, not garlicky, not oniony, a touch soft but other than that just unexciting. They were well cooked but just very meh/average/uninteresting.

The beans were mild too ):

These were intensely salty pork spare ribs which came with an unusually large pieces of gristle in them. Gristle is pretty usual in pork spare ribs but these were huge.

So salty

I ordered a round of roasted duck. Intensely, intensely salty, that saltiness that leaves you licking your lips due to the tingly numbing sensation they have. The skin was crisp but the flesh was so salty as to be almost unpalatable, if it was a bit less the flavour would have been quite balanced. It came with a little plum sauce as well as batons of crisp pickled radishes.

Even saltier

I, somewhat warily, ordered a round of prawn dumplings. They were as good as I remembered, if a bit tarnished by my latest memory. I was hesitantly guarding myself and making mental notes of the nearest toilets when we were leaving. Plump, round prawn with a minced prawn filling and thin, translucent skin.

No rude surprises this time

These were spicy seafood dumplings. They weren't spicy and I have no idea what seafood was involved in this dumpling. I ate the skins and ditched the filling.

What a deceptive name

We left a far bit of food behind when we finished.

):

King of Kings Seafood Restaurant
Atmosphere: 5, super red and bright golden decor, your usual Chinese restaurant.
Service: 6, decent, friendly and quite to bring the food out.
Food: 1, absolutely terrible. I can't imagine going here ever again, unless I was dragged here kicking and screaming.